How I ended up online dating for sex
Amber Collins // 11 June 2014
The scene: my relationship with the guy who was supposed to be The One (Or At Least The One Right Now) had reached an amicable end. I was approaching a milestone birthday with zero faith in lifelong monogamy as a system that would ever work for me and generally feeling pretty resigned to some time away from men.
Then I had a one night stand with an attractive man 10 years younger than me.
A week later I hooked up with an attractive friend of a friend.
The week after that a stranger approached me in a bar, and complimented me all evening until I ended up taking him home.
For full disclosure, Bachelor Number 1 very politely kicked me out at 4am, Bachelor Number 2’s recent ex-girlfriend sent me threatening messages and Bachelor Number 3 may have been a pick-up artist who at the very least gave me a false number (that, my pride requires me to stress, I did not ask for…). However, by the end of this magical fortnight my body image was through the roof. I hadn’t felt so good about myself in ages, and I remembered all the adventurous experiences I’d been unable to have in my committed, monogamous relationship. I was in the perfect position to tick off some sexy bucket list items (‘fuck-it list’, if you will, as in “Fuck it, I’m young and single and completely uninterested in a relationship”). It wasn’t long before I’d signed up to online dating sites and starting searching for fuckbuddies.
I found them easily. I fucked frequently. I met visiting businessmen, much younger men, husbands in open marriages, all complete strangers. It was one of the most important and empowering periods of my life and will no doubt recur often in my posts.
As such, this post is my chance to get some disclaimers out of the way. I want to be absolutely clear on certain points:
- Using online dating purely for sex was one of the best decisions of my life. Key words: MY life. These experiences made me feel more confident than I ever had, but there were also times when I felt incredibly emotionally vulnerable. I’m a naturally resilient person, and very aware that this kind of experience would not be positive for everyone. However, it was for me. I invite you to comment on your individual experiences and views without invalidating my own.
- I am a confirmed cisgender heterosexual woman and I apologise in advance for the heteronormativity of my POV. I would love to hear from people with different perspectives and experiences in comments, partly because I think it’s important to talk about sex frankly and partly because one of the perks of blogging here is that I get to talk smut with like-minded individuals! Indulge me?
- I am now in a committed relationship with a guy whose response to “I’ve been asked to blog for a popular feminist website!” was “That’s fantastic, I’m so proud of you!”, a sentiment he reiterated after reading my first post last week. He is 100% aware of what I am saying here and is as supportive as anyone could be. I’ve always been fortunate with boyfriends, but I don’t think I could have recognised just how incredibly lucky I am to have someone like him had I not previewed such a range of alternatives.
Now I’ve set the scene I look forward to blogging on the ssues I’ve encountered since beginning to hook up with complete strangers. There are so many topics I want to talk about, if you have questions or suggestions please do share in comments!
[Image shows an adult looking doll with a large head, long red hair and big blue eyes, wearing a strappy but unrevealing dress and posed to look confident and knowing. Image by Rinoninha, shared under a Creative Commons licence.]