By Samara Ginsberg | 9 January 2008, 09:38

It’s that time of year again! If you’re a walking stereotype you’ll have stuffed yourself silly over the festive season and gone up to - gasp! - a size 12. ‘Tis the season to nibble Ryvita, squeeze yourself into a pair of tiny lycra shorts and punish your wayward jelly belly on a treadmill. ‘Tis also the season for dodgy companies to sell us miracle cures for our lardy arses.

Now, I’m all for people seeing the new year as a time to think about eating better and getting more exercise, and there’s nothing wrong with gyms capitalising on people’s good intentions by having big marketing drives at this time of year. But when I checked my email this morning I was none too please to see a click ad for this.

You should NOT spend your girlish days worrying about your weight. But you want to be skinny and wear all those cute little dresses - so we have come up with a simple solution for you.

Use the Pink Patch daily for 24/7 weight loss and appetite control so you can look fabulous while you have fun. No more worries about gaining 2 stone your freshman year or sitting at your new desk job snacking all day long. You have enough to focus on besides your weight. Look in the mirror and smile — without giving up your busy social life! The Pink Patch will help you get skinny: we guarantee it.

So you have no control over your actions and will sit at your desk stuffing your face with chip butties all day unless you get yourself one of these miracle patches. Fuck off.

You WILL Have the Hottest Body & the Dream Life. The Pink Patch stays two steps ahead of you. Appetite control will make you think twice about how much food — and what kind of food - you put in your body. Mood elevation will help you maintain your diet control — forget about chocolate cravings, especially during your period! Relieve your stress: got a big paper to write? The big project that could mean a promotion or a raise? Or even that all-important dream job interview? You’ve got it together when you’re Skinny with Pink, because your body will be the last thing on your mind! Focus your attention, energy, and time on what’s important — then slip on that fantastic little black dress and have fun!

Bloody hell. The “Dream Life”. You can’t have fun unless you’re skinny. You can’t focus on anything except hating your body unless you’re skinny. Yes, you, you little porker - You Need This Product, or else you will end up alone in your size 12 jeans with no friends, no job and no man, consoling yourself with yet another chocolate eclair as you weep over your pathetic excuse for a life.

Then there are some truly vomitous testimonies from women who’ve tried it:

I live for fashion. There were so many clothes that I was dying to wear, but couldn’t fit into, and even if I did, they just looked wrong. I started as a size 12, but after a month on the Pink Patch, I’m down to a 10 - and I’m getting closer to an 8 every day! — Liz M., Southend

Oh bloody hell. Get a life.

I spent most of secondary school being teased for my weight. The popular girls seemed to have everything: the gorgeous bodies, the cutest boys. I was not going to feel that way at university too! The summer before I left, I tried the Pink Patch. I lost 1 stone! It changed my life completely. Now I’m in my sophomore year at uni and I’M the popular girl. Thank you Pink Patch! — Kate W., Harrogate

I imagine that it’s easy for a “fat” girl who suffers from low self-esteem (by “fat” I mean someone whose clothes size is in double figures) to buy into this idea of “skinny entitlement”, that women with low body mass indexes are destined to lead a blessed life, never having to worry about being disliked, surrounded by adoring men who buy them Gucci handbags

I would like it to be known that I am a size 6, and I do not live the “Dream Life”. I have never been “popular”. I like my life, I like my job and I like my friends, but I have worked for these things and the fact that I have them has precisely sod all to do with my trim waistline. Men do not fall at my feet - most of the time they don’t even notice me - and if I wanted something as overpriced as a Gucci handbag, I would save up and buy it myself.

The Pink Patch is obviously just for girls (the clue is in the colour!), and marketed at quite young girls at that. Young girls with low self-esteem who blame the fact that their life isn’t quite perfect on their muffin tops. And who blame their muffin tops on poor will power, believing that they need a product to curb the greedy whims of their perfectly normal appetites. It’s vile.

Don’t believe it. Life is not that simple. Everybody spends some time feeling happy and successful and some time feeling miserable regardless of their size, and losing weight will not change anything else about your life. If your legs look like sausages in skinny jeans, it’s not the end of the world. Hell, if your legs look like sausages in skinny jeans you’re NORMAL.

Diets are for fat people who genuinely need and want to lose weight, and products like this are complete bollocks.