From Margaret

The article on women and the hijab is wonderful, introspective and thoughtful. Thank you for writing it and supporting it through your website. I appreciate your efforts and wish that this site will continue for a very long time.

From Standtall-The Activist

When I stopped wearing Hijab, I lost a lot of my muslim friends. Those that were in the same arabic school with me thought I was possessed by the devil nd couldn't comprehend my actions.

It was all about me and not about them. If I want to wear Hijab it should be because I chose to and not because I was compelled to. And that was why I was wearing it at first. I was compelled. My mother was equally disappointed before she got used to it.

Well, it was easy for me to do because I was born and raised in the Southern part of Nigeria, if I were to be born and raised in the North and by muslim hausa family, it would be a very tough battle to fight

From Claire

Best wishes to you for this decision. I hope you don't encounter any problems.

Personally I don't mind what consenting adults wear as long as it doesn't frighten the horses or risk life and limb, and if a woman wants to wear a burkha, it's up to her (as long as she realises she's letting herself in for a life of bone disease due to lack of sunlight). As long as it is a genuine free choice, mind.

Of course most feminists would find the idea of women having legal or social constrictions on their clothing or appearance which men don't have to put up with utterly wrong - at least the Taliban were just as dictatorial towards their menfolk what with the compulsory beards and specifically Islamic clothing!. I can understand that in some societies, covering up offers some degree of protection, respect, being treated less like a sex object and more like a human being. The fault is clearly with society treating people like this, though, and not with women daring to show their hair to the world! We used to have a saying in the 70s "whatever I wear, wherever I go, yes means yes and no means no!"

However, I don't believe the hijab is about modesty. I recall seeing a young woman in a hijab at a restaurant, her low slung jeans showing the skimpy underwear, but, hey, at least she's modestly dressed because her head's covered, right? If it really is about modesty why do little girls wear it? The author says it's when a girl reaches nine years that she's expected to cover up. I've seen toddlers wearing little hijabs! I do find it upsetting that little girls are clearly not allowed to be children, but instead are required to show their allegiance (something which at that age they have no choice in) to a religion, or may it's purely cultural? It is increasing though, I am sure, and if all the young Muslim women you know are covering their heads, there's strong pressure on you to follow suit.

From Sheryl

I want to thank you for this post. I enjoy reading about other cultures and womens' place in them.

From khadijah

Please change your thoughts for this is Shaytan.

From Claire A

In response to your article about Women in IT - I work in the Service Management arm of the industry which is one of the more customer service focused areas, so does seem to have a higher percentage of women than many traditionally techy areas. Despite this, I attended a conference this year that had a lady in a 'sexy nurse' outfit luring people to one of the stalls. When my colleague and I went to tell them they had lost any chance of our future business, we were told that as women were probably about 10% of the attendees, they weren't all that bothered! And it was only 'a bit of a laugh' any way.

The weirdest thing was, the lady dressed as a nurse was the lady who owned the company!

From Ruth Seeley

Reaction to the 'won't go down' ad is interesting to me - and perhaps indicative of how times have changed in a good way.

Six or seven years ago I worked for a Canadian company with a British parent. The British company chose to put a rather suggestive photo of a woman eating a piece of cream pie (an image from an ad campaign it was running in the UK) on the cover of its internal communications magazine (we were an energy generator and it was a clever campaign, although I can't remember the copy or the tie-in to energy from the ad series).

Women at the Canadian branch were outraged by the image and didn't hesitate to take it up via email with head office, whose stance was basically, 'we have a different, more cheeky approach to advertising here in the UK.' Which is certainly true - Australian and UK ads are often perceived as sexist and shocking here in North America, the place to which you exported all your Puritans. ;)

But it's interesting to me to see that the tide may well be turning in the UK as well. I do sometimes wonder what the male response to objectification would really be if it were adopted on a wide scale. Sadly, unless it affected their employability and pay rates, I don't think there'd be a terrible outcry about it.

From Clare

I don't understand why in several places and from several sources in this article 'geeks' are somehow assumed to be a) male and b) weird. If you work with programming languages for a living you are by default a geek. There are plenty of female geeks out there who love science, maths, computers, reading, gaming, music, etc. I think the problem is less one of 'geek' culture and more one of sexist culture.

From Hannah Dee

I'm deputy chair of BCSWomen, the British Computer Society's "specialist group" for supporting women in computing, and I'd like to add that there are all sorts of initiatives going on to support and encourage women into tech positions and to encourage women to stay in tech when they get here.

I organise the BCSWomen Lovelace Colloquium, now in it's 2nd year, which is a one-day event for undergrads; I was shocked last year at how many attendees were the only women in their department. See http://www.comp.leeds.ac.uk/bcswomen/ for details. Postgrads have the London Hopper, organised at QMUL, http://www.dcs.qmul.ac.uk/women/LondonHopper2009.php. There are big projects going on around career breaks and returners organised by the BCS and also by the UKRC see for example http://www.ukrc4setwomen.org/html/women-and-girls and there are networking events run by us (BCSWomen) and also womenintechnology.co.uk and girlgeekdinners. There are also a number of mailing lists and groups for informal support on a day to day basis.

Providing a space for women to talk together and to support each other (and to complain to advertisers and write to papers and so on!) seems to be an important thing; if you're the only woman in the office the sexist bullshit can begin to seem normal.

From A Fitton

I enjoyed programming at university and seriously considered a career in IT, but when it came to the crunch I didn't want to spend my the next thirty years in such the overtly male and OTTgeek culture that prevailed in computing at university.

From A different Helen

Sue Schofields article brought back memories. I worked in IT for seven years and I would not work in that industry again. Every day something happened to annoy me: another dumb blonde/women driver joke in the email, a colleague accessing porn at the terminal next to mine, the hiring of a strippagram for someones lunchtime leaving do (and then publishing the pictures on the intranet, and having T shirts made of the poor woman), not to mention all the important things like never being recognized, not getting bonuses, always last in the queue for a promotion etc etc.

Of course not all my colleagues were hostile and sexist, in fact most of them werent and I still keep in contact with quite a few of them. The ones that were though really did spoil things, and made life miserable. I remember getting up in the morning and mentally putting on a "thick skin" ready for the day ahead. I stuck it out because I had small children at the time, and there was an excellent day nursery just down the road, which meant I could earn money and keep my skills up whilst knowing my children were happy and safe. After seven soul destroying years the company imploded (a foretaste of the impending credit crunch) and happily I was made redundant. I now work in engineering rather than IT, where fortunately the men are men, and not smutty fourteen year olds.

From Laurie Joanow

Thank you for this wonderful article. It beautifully says what I have long thought/felt about the intersection of feminism and breastfeeding. Bravo!

From Laura

Excellent article! Thank you!

From FilthyGrandeurM

This is a comment regarding your recent breast-feeding article. I found it very touching, and was crying by the end of it. I have already decided that when I have my children I will breastfeed, but this article put new perspective on it. I thought of how breastfeeding is stigmatized in society, where people are shocked when it happens in public, or how we have breast pumps to distance that bond without the guilt of formula feeding. At any rate, this article is wonderful

From Katy Murr

What came through really strongly in this article was a sense that a woman's choice to make her own decisions - in this case to breastfeed - is hers to make alone, whilst being informed of relevant information (i.e. nutritional value of mothers' milk vs formula.) I especially like how Kate talks about herself 'growing' into a feminist, an activist, someone who openly embraces what she wants to fight for. This is the sort of thing schoolchildren need to be reading - before it's too late.

From Cara

Fair enough to advocate breastfeeding, but this:

'Breastfeeding works, in a huge majority of cases, if you believe it's going to work. Women with no alternative rarely fail.'

sounds like blaming the women who for whatever reason *can't* breastfeed - or understandably, don't wish to put themselves through intense pain to do so.

On that, I can't see how 'battling through' breastfeeding when it is agony is healthy, and it feeds worryingly into patriarchy's 'mother as martyr' dynamic

Perhaps breastfeeding advocacy would work better if women weren't made to feel failures for having trouble, with sentiments such as the quote above implying it is their fault, but just non judgementally helped to work through whatever the issue is.

From Evie Wallace

Kate Joester's article reminded me of how , a few years ago, Jordan enraged the Breastfeeding Gestapo by stating plainly that she had no intention of nursing her newborn daughter because it disgusted her, and furthermore she had been given a large supply of formula in throwaway bottles. I had to admire her bald forthrightness; she didn't even bother with the usual caveat ("I felt so guilty but I just couldn't manage it. Truly I feel terrible though . . lash lash . . I am a bad mother . . whip whip".) Nope. She didn't want to do it and fuck the lot of you.

In the backlash that followed the word 'selfish' was used a lot. And I mean - A Lot. It always is when Mothers Put Their Needs First. So selfish! If you don't want to make sacrifices why have babies in the first place! Formula is nutritionally inferior. Selfish Selfish Selfish.

It's different for feminists. Referring to other women as selfish isn't really on, so instead, a form of saintly condescension is used. "Breastfeeding works, in a huge majority of cases, if you believe it's going to work. Women with no alternative rarely fail." Statistics please? Or perhaps the women with no alternative watch their babies die. Kate is angry that women have fallen victim to the Nestle patriarchy. Why can't we just believe in ourselves? "I hate that so many women don't believe that of themselves and bemused that handing that capacity over to someone else is seen by some as liberating." Don't feel sorry for me Kate. I don't need your bewildered pity. I'm well aware that breastfeeding is nutritionally superior but I also thought that feminism was about choice and respecting each other's choices. I bottle fed two children who are both strong and healthy. To my friends who have breastfed I have nothing but respect because it's their choice. Motherhood has taught me tolerance.

From Kez

Thank you, thank you for writing this article, which expresses so much that I feel. It had me in tears. I find it so disappointing how breastfeeding myths are repeatedly peddled and believed and not questioned... it's wonderful to read something written from the heart about what breastfeeding can and does mean for many women. No, it's not always easy, especially in the early stages, but with the right support, information and advice (sadly often not forthcoming even from health professionals), virtually any woman can successfully breastfeed. And it is so very worth it.

The framing of breastfeeding as just another "lifestyle choice" renders invisible the powerful business interests which benefit from women believing they can't or shouldn't breastfeed. There's money - lots of it - to be made from selling infant formula, both at home and abroad, and contrary to what many people believe, the unethical marketing practices used by certain companies have not ceased. Gabrielle Palmer's "The Politics of Breastfeeding" (new edition out round about now) makes it very clear some of the reasons why feminists should be concerned about this.

Thank you again for a wonderful article.

From Ruth Moss

What a refreshing change to read an article focusing on the "radical and feminist" side of breastfeeding.

I loved the part about "getting your body back"; I too have always found that a strange idea as while nursing my little one, my body finally feels like my own; nice to know I'm not the only one.

It's interesting you mentioned you were not the first in your family to breastfeed, and I think that outside of the formula companies (who do their very best, as you say, to wreck breastfeeding and make women doubt their own bodies) this is one of the reasons that many women stop in the early days. I think that when your relatives and peers have all fed babies in the same way, this seems like the normal course of action to take, and when things get difficult (as often they do) the recourse is to the default family position... so if everyone else has nursed their babies, then you believe it's possible and almost always find a way. However if not, then you are much more likely to bottle-feed.

I think lack of support is such a huge reason for giving up in the early days, especially familial support. I think this is why, in the absence of this support, groups like LLL and other mother-to-mother support organisations are so important. Trouble is, people often don't find out about these types of groups when they need to.

I really enjoyed this article. I think you may get some stick, as anyone does when they openly state that breastfeeding is better than the alternatives ("you're making women feel guilty!"), but good on you for saying it.

From Jenny

Fantastic article about breastfeeing as a feminist act, Kate! I totally agree with you, that it is shameful how an industry is built on telling women they can't do something that they are designed to. I breast-fed my two kids through thrush, mastitis, bitten, cracked nipples and emotional pain and fear of failure through sheer blood-mindedness and will to do the best thing but I can understand why some women back down in the face of the lies and crap spewed out by the formula pushers. Anyway - I just wanted to say I loved this article and thanks for writing it.

From Sarah

Thank you Kate for such a well written article. I find it difficult to understand why so many women don't get angrier at what happens to women's bodies whether through bottle feeding or lewd pictures of women's bodies in newspapers, etc. Do we acquiesce because it is easier than to fight. Anyway I particularly liked what you said in the last paragraph about women getting their bodies back.

From Clare

Thank you so much for writing this, Kate. It articulated something I'd felt but was unable to put into words. I also felt that my children gave me my body back and discovered a new sense of joy in it - something I'd never felt, even at my most conventionally "attractive" and "sexy". Suddenly I accepted myself. Some people have found that hard to take (mostly relatives and female friends) who find it hard to accept that I'm not stressed out at all about how I look now. However, now I've tasted ownership of my own body I'm not willing to concede it to anyone else.

From Clare

It makes me angry sometimes, girls everywhere are so frustrated that their tummy's not flat. Why are girls so obsessed with their appearance anyway?

Because of male culture causing them to be? Or because they're obsessed in the first place?

Confusing and annoying!

Our culture kinda makes women think their only value is in youth and in how perfecr they can be - media does have influence. No wonder women of all ages are desperate to look good against all wit.

From JENNIFER DREW

This was an excellent article showing exactly how the media systematically undermines and ensures patriarchy in all its forms continues unchallenged.

However, I strongly believe pornography can never be acceptable but I do not advocate censorship. What is needed is media education and it is vital media education is taught as a compulsory subject in all schools from primary school upwards. But - the government, media and male-dominated institutions which profit from representing women and girls as men's sexualised commodities have and continue to oppose such a 'radical feminist demand.'

We need to ask why is pornography now mainstreamed and why are so many men and boys accessing these images and why far too many boys and men are accepting such violent, misogynistic and women-hating pornography as 'fantasy,' 'harmless' and even as realistic portrayals of how women and girls as a group are defined. Concisely, why are women and girls all reduced to men's and boys' sexual commodities?

The answer is complex and whilst I do not criticise women and girls who aspire to become men's sexual commodities by way of glamour modelling or becoming lap dancers, such roles are limiting and serve only to reinforce patriarchal power over women and girls.

We need to go to the source or root of the problem and that is men and masculinity. Men are still defined as human and it is the male-defined view which is promoted as 'human' and in no need of self-criticism or critique.

The myth of 'girl power' is a myth promoted by media and advertising industries as well as government institutions. The reality is very few women and girls can become the mythical creatures media and advertising promotes. 'Girl power' is not about 'power' it is about reducing women and girls to men's sexual commodities and also ensuring women and girls remain focused on not measuring up to male-defined standards. Telling women and girls they need to buy this or that product in order to be accepted by the 'male gaze' keeps us all in a constant state of worry and also renders invisible the many acts of discrimination, women-hating and male violence committed against women and girls.

Still, not to worry if a woman or girl is suffering from low self-esteem or poor body image, there are plenty of products for the woman/girl to buy which will supposedly make her feel better. Or the woman/girl can always seek counselling in order to address her supposedly 'individual negative feelings.' What this does of course is sends a clear message that if a woman/girl is experiencing problems around her self-esteem and inability to conform or achieve a good education or career then it is an individual female problem not because our society is patriarchal and determined to enforce female subordination and male control over women and girls.

As Anna-Kate demonstrated there are huge profits regularly made by advertising, cosmetic, media and of course the porn industry which all work to keep women and girls in a constant state of fear and worry because they do not match up to the male ideal of what women are supposed to be and enact.

Such misogynistic messages do negatively affect all women and girls irrespective of their class, ethnicity etc. because central is the fact women and girls are still represented as 'deviant from the male norm.'

Rather than viewing women and girls who buy into these misogoynistic messages as 'poor creatures' or 'consumer obsessed' we must continue challenging the media and its obsession with profiting from dehumanising women and girls.

Patriarchy which is all about men's power and control over women and girls will not be overthrown by believing women and girls have a choice when in fact there is no choice. Peer pressure works to subtly make women and girls conform to male-defined ideas and the media is a propaganda tool of patriarchy. Not all women and girls accept such messages but it is very hard when everywhere we see the only mythical way for women and girls to achieve fulfilling lives is by becoming men's and boys' pornified sexual objects. Ones who have no emotions, feelings or individual views but whose sole purpose is to sexually service and serve men's and boys' needs. Whether it is emotional/relational/sexual or whatever - the message is the same - men and boys first second and last.

Two books which analyse the complexities of how the media is used to reinforce and uphold male power over women is The Lolita Effect by M. Gigi Durham and also The Gender Knot by Allan Johnson. Also, the Report of The APA Task Force On The Sexualisation of Girls very astutely analyses and dismantles claims 'girls and women have now achieved full human status.'

May be one day women and girls will achieve full human status but it certainly will not be in the next decade or so. In the meantime we must continue to challenge media misogynistic representation of women and girls whilst simultaneously not blaming women and girls for accepting these women-hating myths.

Men will not give up their power to define what is supposedly human which is still claimed to be 'male,' without a huge struggle. This is why the latest attempt at eliminating feminism and keeping women and girls firmly under the heel of male oppression is so widespread. It also partially explains why pornography is now mainstream because pornography is a tool of the patriarchy and porn's central message is women and girls are dehumanised beings - who can be sadistically and callously sexually degraded by males because these non-humans do not deserve to be treated with respect and dignity. That right is still reserved for males only.

From Barnaby Dawson

I think one good way to deal with the biases in the pornography industry and the media would be to illegalize discrimination on the basis of appearence (and extend existing discrimination laws to the media). Then porn mags would have to present a proper cross section of men and women from all walks of society and all aesthetics.

In addition picking news readers, waitresses, secretaries and laywers for their looks would become illegal.

This won't solve all the problems but might go along way in that direction.

From Lisa

Action plan:

1. Stop buying/watching the media. Even broadsheets like the Guardian are sliding down this slippery slope.Try 'International Herald Tribune', 'The Economist', 'The Financial Times' - it's not just Finance and specialist press e.g. the sport, hobby you're interested in. Get rid or make TV as invisible as possible (mine's in my cellar so I have to make a real effort to watch - usually for a rented DVD).

2. Make your own realistic media (photos, art work, film including pronography if you want - I live in Berlin where alternative pornography and art work made by women makes a refreshing change !)

3. Supervise your children's internet use. If you wouldn't let your daughter wander through a sex shop on her own, why let her wander through the internet on her own. You're also within your rights to question her friends' parents about the internet in their home and if you're not happy no going round to play.

3. Actively promote a wide range of media not only in your own home but at your children's school - teachers are always keen to discuss books, periodicals etc. Help out in the school library and let subscriptions to Teen Mags lapse !

4. Critically discuss the media with your children and other women and plan boycotts or activism if you're particuarly angry.

5. Take practical steps to guide your daughters in their choice of clothes, cosmetics etc. e.g. offer to buy her make up with her and take her to an organic cosmetics shop to buy high quality, natural, not tested on animals make up. Explain to her that (whether we like it or not !) some clothes are better than others in certain situations and that there is a time and place for the short skirt, high heel, revealing top combination. Explain to her when, where and why. We do our daughters no favours by remaining silent and leaving them ignorant.

6. Talk about pornography in an age-approriate way. Just because a child ought not to be able to access it doesn't mean that they won't. Far, far better that she knows what it is in advance, what that the 'porn' look is and why it must be her choice if, when and where she copies it.

From Jenni P.

So true! I can't count the number of times I've flipped open a woman's magazine only to put it down before actually reading anything because every article deals with how to make yourself more desirable for a man some way. And the really dangerous thing is that these magazines promote themselves as being for and by modern empowered women, but then the content seeks to empower women by teaching them how to better please a man, lose weight, or become some kind of sex goddess. As if being able to give a great blow job and look good in a thong is all a woman needs to feel like a whole complete person worthy of love. Its almost disturbing when you compare a man's magazine to a woman's magazine. I've never seen a Maxim with an article about how to read your woman emotionally (at best, I came across an article once that attempted to help men identify a fake orgasm from a real one) but its almost guaranteed that any given issue of a woman's magazine will have an issue about how to make a man happy, whether sexually or emotionally. Most mass media outlets seem to transmit the value that a woman's self worth is ultimately determined by her ability to attract and keep a man and its seriously disturbing. Thanks for writing the article.

From ALEX

I go to my local shop and its like walking into a raid at a warehouse. The so-called "top shelf" is so low down they ought to give away a packet of sweeties and a "fun frisbee" with each copy of "Dirty Teens". This does at least prove 1 thing which is that "real porn" is not that different from the weekly supply of bosoms and bums offered by Zuts and Noo. I walk to work and along the route I pass the city centre "Gentlemens Club" which is supposedly no different from a coffee shop. Ever tried asking for a lap dance in Starbucks. No, me neither. I click on to the internet to be told by AOL the hot searches are Lucy Pinder (big knockers of interest to DA LADS and thery're real what a novelty) and Claire Sweeney (shes on a diet or rather she isn't but shes gaining publicity for her weight so thats of interest to THE GIRLS obviously). I switch on BBC2 where "Sir" Phallus Sugar spouts his contempt for women at Fiona Bruce and refers to a certain lady journo as a "nasal hag" , but hey he is a "great British entreuprener" and he'd make a good Prime Minister and mealy mouth drivel to that effect Anyway this is not merely an attempt to put as many dumb phrases in inverted commas as possible. Really its a modest plea to those of us female or male who are sick of all this. Lets make 2009 the year when we really raise our voices. We're at the end of a decade and its time for a new attitude. Wear your duffel coat with pride. STAY BEAUTFUL

From JENNIFER DREW

Reference article 'Challenging Sex Object Culture. Ah that much used term 'sex culture' or the other claim 'we live in a culture which is sex obsessed.'

Both phrases are wrong and are used deliberately to hide the fact it is women and girls who are being reduced to men's sexualised commodities. So, term should not be 'sex object culture' but 'female sex object culture.' Where are the images of men and boys being portrayed as dehumanised sexualised commodities I ask myself? Answer there are none because men and boys are individual human beings unlike women and girls.

Also, misogyny and racism cannot be separated out because sexism/misogyny and racism are primarily about reducing women of all ethnicities and cultures to men's and boys' sexualised slaves. How this occurs varies from culture to culture but its aim is always identical - women and girls are supposed to exist to serve men and boys.

Pornography plays a central role in reinforcing misogynistic myths concerning women and girls and we must not forget pornography also promotes racist hatred of women who are not white.

I see no 'agency or choice' when all women and girls are constantly being sold a very narrow and patriarchal message - which is in order to achieve a miniscule of respect and dignity, all women and girls must dehumanise themselves and turn themselves into men's sexualised masturbatory objects. And we wonder why so many men are committing sexual violence against women and girls, knowing their crimes will be condoned/justified or excused. Ah but women have achieved full human dignity and respect and are now supposedly seen as equally human compared to men. So, this explains why women and girls are still being blamed for men's violence against them. It is all due to 'individual wrong choices!' Looks like an exciting and challenging year for Object - but I know Object will continue to grow and be a 'thorn in the side of male-dominated media and male-dominated government.

From Ruth Moss

Thanks for this review - it sounds just brilliant - when I find a bit of spare cash from somewhere it'll be the first thing I buy!!

From Jackie Bather

Having just read the article"Maid Of The Manor" by Amity Reed, a thought springs to my mind.Men don't essentially want to do the boring stuff...which includes housework...and would much rather someone else did it...anyone, really.End of story.This work has no status attached to it and many men are hung up on status, aren't they ? If doing jobs around the house became a high-status social activity, with much acclaim attached, they would be in there like a rocket, I think.

From Megan

Seems to me this article explores the possibility that girls would want to "sexually explore". Girls want respectful relationships, exploration as a means to an end, all while the male end in ultimately imposed. Rarely is it respectable. It is time you embrace the fact that as times would have it, post sexual revolution, your efforts would be better spent guiding youth to the realities it exposed instead. Simply put, "fuck her and leave her" mentality, s.t.d.'s, and degradation, all of which we are persecuted by others and worse our own selves. Once again accept that you need to teach self-reliance, not exploration as the means to an end. My best sex has occurred only after I was able to take action in my life, find love in my mistakes, not while sitting around waiting for somebody to do those things for me. Show care not ignorance. Educate what is feminism today, not how to have an orgasm. I can do it but so can you. Thank you for your time.

From Christy Garrett

Thank you for your very liberated and beautiful perspective. I was struggling with this issue and as I read your article I felt my fears slipping away. Why should we change ourselves to please another? That makes no sense! Men need to accept us the way we are and that will only happen if we first accept ourselves as we are. I refuse to change myself! I am a woman and I am VERY POWERFUL and QUITE MAGNIFICENT!

From Johnny

OK, now this is getting blatantly stupid. Does Ms Plant have better things to do? I grew up with ads lampooning men, the phrase "men! They're all the same!" has been launched on TV on unsuspecting screens so many times I forget to count!

Personally, I think the McDonalds ad sounds depressing but the peugeot ad is a bit of a relief, to be honest after all this time!

I think feminism should now be shut down since it has outlasted its usefulness. No longer trying to gain equality for women like it should, but bitching about phallus substitutes (which could be anything - cars to coffee) when it's fairly obvious who took the damned phalluses in the first place!

And I've said this before. What about the Taliban controlling towns and locking girls in burning buildings because they're not wearing burkhas, or being burnt half to death in honour killings? What about women being owned in Saudi Arabia as property by men? Where are your articles on these, or don't they matter to you anymore? (Don't forget, it's not only women who say these things.)

Feminists, you'd better prove to existence that you actually CARE about women in the third world (lack of education, no birth control, AIDS, etc) than a group of complaining idiots who need to get your damned priorities straight!

From Catie Gutierrez

This is a message for Ananya to commend her article "So, you really think we're stupid, do you?" I believe this article raises a very important issue and has explained it very well. You have identified the mentality behind the content of these magazines in a way that people five times your age still don't begin to think about. Well done!

From Anonymous Harridan

"Why feminists shouldn't keep mum" - brilliant article, with very good points aptly spelled out. Yes, i agree, many mothers make virtue out of necessity, and media sells them this cheap notion that it is fabulously important and rewarding to, basically, stick to traditional role distribution in family where a woman ends up doing the most. Again, it is a glorification of less than happy living of women as mothers, instead of being more critical of father's involvement, or encouraging mothers to get out of their men more instead of just moaning and feeling inadequate. And Victoria is also spot on that criticizing the burden put on mothers is not the same as diminishing what women do. If you think it is then you are most likely to be trapped in notion that, in order to think well of yourself you need to kill yourself in the act of selfless serving others. When the ideal is to do much less, not to forget enjoy yourself along the way and, obviously, think you are being fantastic (as mother, woman, human being, employee etc)

From Gillian

I thought your article was brilliant and expressed many of the feelings I have had in my year of maternity leave. My time off work was my choice and enabled myself and my partner to make parenting choices together to suit our needs and the needs of our child and has been great. However, like you, I have avoided many of the 'support' groups due to the self depreciating nature of it all - as a confident and education woman I did not buy into a lot of the self criticism or talk on the lack of choice in activities and support. I am now currently fighting a tide of 'Oh, you must be SO devastated/disappointed/upset to be going back to work', when in reality I'm not, and I say I'm not - I'm an educated woman with a good job and great colleagues and I enjoy it all - this seems difficult for many people to accept, but it is the truth. I enjoy my family and love my child, but have not lost my head, brain and sense of self worth since becoming a mother! Thank you for such a refreshing article and confirming what I had supsected all along - that I am not the only feminist in the village!

From Ruth

of course parental leave should be givena nd the needs of fathers should be considered more. However, it is disingenous to compare maternity or parental leave with sick leave.

Small business owners like myself routinely ask possible employees about their past sickness record and take this into account when considering whether to employ someone. Many also limit paid sick leave to one month or even less. So employers do take actions to minimise the negative effects of an employee being off ill.

In many ways though it is easier to fill a vacant post if staff have taken substantial maternity or paternity leave of 1 year, rather than trying to fill a position for 3 or 6 months.

From Libby

I totally understand how you felt about the models cause I was exactly the same. I was always trying to look like that "perfect" women and I never could which made me so depressed and made me self harm, which made my family and friends worry about me so much.

Even though everyone now knows about airbrushing, you don't think about models like that, you just want to be like that. When I think back to how I was I would never want anyone to feel like what I felt like and because I have a younger sister I always make sure she knows that those women aren't real and she doesn't need to aspire to look like them. I'm now a healthy size 12 and happy with how I am.

From SashaGarwood

For me, at least, corset-wearing is an ultimately successful attempt to manipulate the male gaze to which i feel i am, as a young and relatively normative female, subject to at all times. I'm sufficiently pessimistic to perceive the attention I get due to my gender and self-presentation as inevitable; I recognise that this may be defeatist and imay not be proud of it, but it is true. To consciously and obviously shape myself, therefore, into a physical ideal essentially unattainable by normal circumstances eables me to wrestle back my own subjectivity, because i feel, however erroneously, that when iam that shape i am beyond criticism. People will not look at me and find my body wanting in all the ways i feel it to be suchdespitemy best efforts; they will (and are) instead struck by its supposed 'perfection'. Given that I haveverystrict boundaries concerning who touches me and in what circumstances, i find the consequent manipulation it enables empowering andreassuring.

Like I say, i'm not proud of it. But it's true.

From Monica Gambino

I totally agree with the author of this article. I am as well a woman who believed in feminism, who went to college, got a master degree and thought of making a nice carriere. Then i married a foreign man, a Dutch, because of his job we have to live in The Netherlands and I can not find a job after two years hard trying. I have a four year old son and by the moment "just a housewife". It is quite frustrating, because all what I do at home is priceless, literally: It doesnt have a price. In todays life peoples works are valuable according to how much money they produce. I work hard at home, but I can not help but too feel as a charge on my husbands shoulders...

From julie Law

I agree with Holly re"He is just not into you" If you are in your 40's and you are still playing these games, well, you should so be not into him or HER. Games,games,games, what happened to manners,kindness, and honesty? Is it so hard to just say " I like you" It makes me livid. Well, I just got dumped and I resent "he is not into me", there was nothing wrong with me......how about him? Why is it always the pursuit? Life is short, lets move on. I think where I went wrong, I just did not see the real him, my issue, but to blame women to back off?! to ask for honesty?! Nothing wrong with that ever!

From eve

what a well articulated argument to 'he's just not that into you'. I wholeheartedly agree with all of what you said!

From Peaches

Thankyou. Thanks for telling me everything I wish I could have put to words on my own, thanks for giving me the words I will have to put to use in the future. My situation has been much the same as yours, except I am still 17. Fortunately or unfortunately, I am not as skinny as you, (I have 32 inch waist), and so I haven't suffered rudeness to the same degree as you. Probably part of the reason is actually because I had such low self esteem in my early years of maturity that I gained weight, though I recently did lose a lot (yay!). I can empathize with you, and I would tell you how sorry I am for the harrassment you've been through, except that you don't seem like you'd like any pity (but if for some reason you do, you can have it anyway =P). I just wanted to tell you how much I appreciated your article, and to thank you, again, for showing me the attitude I am going to love having now.

From stacia briggs

On the subject of being annoyed by other people's reactions to your cup size, I found this about how women are sometimes other women's worst enemy... http://womaninblack71.wordpress.com/2009/01/12/think-big-breasts-are-fun-try-owning-a-pair-like-mine/">Think big breasts are fun? Try owning a pair like mine

From Joanna

In response to Samara Ginsbertg's article entitled 'Hasn't anybody ever told you a handful is enough?' may I just say how utterly disgusted I was to read of your treatment - it made me so angry. Your teachers were unbelievable, your peers deserved a good kicking, and I think you come across as a very wise, intelligent person who deserves to be treated with respect.

I read a wonderful quote - from a man, incidentally - which described feminism as 'nothing more than the radical idea that women are also people' You are a person, but with our porn fixated society there will always be problems for women with figures such as yours. I wish you all the best, and I loved your article.

From James Sinclair

Get A LIFE!!!

From david mustafa

It's really weird and sorrowful to have such experience in a high school or in the earlier years. The people who behaved to you are such mean or we can say such immature, that they lost the mind of self integrity. They invaded a particular personality with regardless responsibility. I am a man, but I know how to respect motherly individuals. Having unusual body figure is not someones fault, and if some one considers it as a fault than indirectly he/she is accusing the God himself. We should always treat and behave with everyone by the same eye as to get a positive response from God. I am really sorry for what you've faced and I wish god bless you and give peace in your mind. Let God Forgive us all.

From Lex

When I read more than a handful is enough I practically cried! I am in nearly the exact same postion as Samara Ginsberg and reading what seemed like my own words on the screen had me feeling like I had suddenly been justified!

So often have I heard "how can you complain about your boobs/figure your gorgeous" or "you get so much attention Lex! GOD!" from friends while I have been fleeing attention from a male on a night out. Thank you so much for this artical and for reassuring me that being me isn't a crime!

From Tania

I just wanted to thank Samara for her article I thought that I had suffered with 36jj's and I am ashamed that what I think I suffer on a daily basis is nothing compared to her please thank her for me.

From Bee

I am replying to Samara Grinsberg's article "hasn't anyone ever told you that a handful is enough?"

I just wanted to say yes to every word she said. I face the same problem, though I deserved less commentary and groping, maybe because I grew up in a very catholic, prudish environment. However, I certainly recognize the general tone of what she describes. It is about the fact that large sized mammaries get in the way of everything. Conversation, respect and the fact that you're being treated as a person, not a cup size. A friend of mine faces the same predicament, and she refuses to dress herself down in high collars and scarves that cover up everything, and the sh*t she gets from other woman is incredible: "it's like she likes to flaunt us with what we have not" and I have heard several guys say: "well, what do you want, I can't stop staring when they are so... obviously there!" What nobody seems to realize is that they have a choice. Guys don't HAVE to keep staring, and women can keep their tongues.

Personally, I walk with a crooked spine for the rest of my life, because the only solution I found was ducking my chest between my shoulders while curling up my back, so they appeared smaller. People who happen to see me in a bathing suit suddenly feel allowed to say "they never realized they were so big" and "why do you never show them?"

I have tried to explain many of these women that I do not enjoy being the center of attention, especially for something as unfair as genetics, I'd much rather deserve it through intelligent conversation. I don't like being stared down the street, because I know that those that do it are not assessing my worth as a potential friend or intelligent conversation partner, but as a sexual object. Staring is impolite, we're told. You don't stare at people, my mother told me. you could only stare at an object. Apparently that is only true until you grow big breasts. From then on, it's fine.

Just as my well endowed friend, I often get the message: "they're guys, they have hormones, they can't help the fact they look at it, I don't see why you feel bad." And thus, I am the one who is faulty for feeling bad about something that is presented as a fact of nature. In a way, this is another impossible equation. Show them, and you're "flaunting", hide them and you're "anal retentive".

From Pascal

just to comment on the big bulge for man.

Actually the equivalent, in term of actractiveness, of big breast for women is for men to be tall.

Being tall doesn't carry all the bad moment, I know, but you get free pass with girls because they like tall guys, more or less the same way guys like big boob.

I can tell you that being small is as if you don't even exist in the eyes of women, or that your not boyfriend stuff. Different but as much victim of the instinct for partner seeking. We are just animal remember ?

very sorry for you that you had to suffer all that BTW.

From Jane B

I have so much sympathy for the author of this piece. As another shy geeky teenager with large breasts, I suffered similar teasing - though not the physical assaults, possibly because I've pretty much been overweight since puberty - I have overeating/binge-eating disorder, which developed I believe partly as an attempt to hide from the unwanted attention - 'fatty' and related insults were painful but at least I was largely left alone and ignored, rather than constantly being picked on by girls and leered at by boys. There are advantages to being fat in this society - it makes you sexually neutral, it keeps you safe from the game-playing and intensity of school 'social life' (and university to some extent), it means that the insults you get are much less threatening - they're about how ugly you are, not about what random strangers want to do to you.

I was really happy to enter my 40s. Now I'm older, even if I was thin, I'd be less 'interesting'. Maybe now, with age to shield me, I'll be able to work out how to let go of the 'fat girl' body I hide behind...

From Aimee

Samara, this is a brilliant, horrible, thought provoking and well written article. Throughout the whole thing I had to actually, almost physically stop myself from thinking that you were a stuck up bitch, however ashamed that makes me feel about myself. It's almost as if we're conditioned to think that no woman should be happy with her body, and even though you have every right to be, on a very small scale I still find myself resenting that you are. That makes me so angry, because no one has the right to undermine someone for being comfortable with themselves. So I commend you for being brave enough to be happy with yourself, despite the horrible things you've been through and despite this prevailing culture which dictates that you shouldn't.

I ... can almost not bring myself to say that I identify with you. How wrong is that? I too have... large breasts and you know.. an alright figure. I am happy with myself. But I feel as though I shouldn't be. I never experienced the disgusting and horrendous sexual harrassment that you did, mostly because I went to a positive and friendly all girls school, but I have experienced the public leering and humiliation that comes with having a couple of appendages that make you appear accessable to men. It makes me sick. It's almost as if people feel that because you are built in a way that appeals to men, you must have been designed for them and are therefore fair game for any kind of treatment people wish to exact upon you.

If I may return to this issue of not being 'allowed' to be happy with youself. When I said i was happy with myself... I am, but I find it uncomfortable to say so. I find it uncomfortable to say that I have a good figure, that I am beautiful, that I think I am attractive. That I look at pictures of myself and like what I see. I think everyone should feel like this, but instead we are all taught to feel nothing but disgust at ourselves. This doesn't change. I work in a school and the girls there, who are primary school age all think that they are ugly and somehow wrong. Even the ones who are what we might consider attractive. I think we need to begin to stop looking at the so called perfect beauty. I know it sounds cliche but I think everyone is beautiful. Our perception of beauty is so narrow and has become so whittled down to a few, stupid things that so many people feel that they are not beautiful. Something needs to change, because your whole aritcle made me feel so disgusted with the way women are treated. I hope the male teacher you mentioned is not still a practising teacher. Other wise I think you need to let him knwo what a stupid prick he is.

From Carrie

I would like to thank Samara for writing this article as I have never heard my own experience articulated in any magazine or newspaper until now. I have F cup breasts (and a post graduate degree in Philosophy) and I really identified with this article. People notice my breasts first and my mind last. I would like to point out that it does get easier as you get older. I'm now 32 and while my boobs are nowhere near my ankles, thank you very much, men do not shout filth in the street at me as much any more (maybe they are more likely to hrass a youner woman or girl wjho is less confident and wont argue back?).

The envy of other women etc is more complicated. While my own sisters constant bitter references to my breasts hurt & confused me especially as a teenager, I would say that men leering have been worse by far.

I would also like to say that some men can see beyond the breasts and appreciate a woman for her wit and intelligence. My top tip would be to do what I did - meet your husband online. By he time he meets you and sees your cleavage he will already have fallen for "the real you".

From Daniel

Just wanted to say I thought that Victoria's artical on disability and abortion was one of the best I have read. Kudos to the fword for putting it up as well, as from reading this blog it stikes me that this article argues against the the stance of the majority of the fwords contributors on the subject of abortion.

From Irina

Choice and disability: the author argues from the point of how abortion of disabled foetuses makes her, a as a disabled person, feel, and how society doesn't value her.

I think a more productive (and not destructive) way would be not to force unwilling women to bear disabled children but to campaign with many disabled and abled men and women to improve life for ALREADY LIVING disabled. While leaving legislation on selective abortion alone, where it should be.

There must be a way of improving one set of people's real lives without causing misery and pain to, and violating others' (because, yes, forcing somebody to keep unwanted pregnancy and going through birth IS a violation). Alex Kemp is right - you cannot advance somebody's rights at the expence of other's rights. And by "rights" I mean rights for the living. I wish grown-up people stop comparing themselves to foetuses, it doesn't do any credit to their perceived sense of self-worth!

(Besides forcing people to be parents when they don't want to might result in the opposite of what Victoria dreams about - child abuse. )

But she seems to be keen on gaining at the expence of other's ruined lives - because yes, being forced to become a mother is a life ruined, doesn't matter with abled or disabled child. And while already living disabled people directly don't suffer from someone somewhere aborting a disabled foetus, those women (who, unlike foetuses, are aware of what's going on with their life) who will be forced into motherhood against their will - if we have the legislation Victoria wants us to have - will feel the pain every day of their lives DIRECTLY. A tiny difference, eh?

and the last one: pro-lifers don't love disabled or care about their rights. it is women making desicions about their bodies and lives they hate, and will do anyhting it takes to curb it, disability being only a minor card in their play.

From Isabel

I have to say, having become the mother of a child with a disability, that I agree with Val's article. I can no longer personally claim to be pro-choice when it comes to selective abortion on the basis of impairment, and in fact had a stand-up row with a consultant after being told my son might also have Downs Syndrome (my response being 'so?'). The selective abortion of DS foetuses is particularly distressing to me.

From Cara

Victoria, you make some good points in your article, but spoil it with your anti-choice rhetoric.

I believe in choice. It doesn't matter whether I personally agree with any given woman's choice to have an abortion; I don't have to have one if I don't want, that's why it's called choice. (Your phrase 'pro-abortion' thrown in betrays your anti-choice stance, by the way; no-one is pro-abortion, just that pro-choice people believe it a better option than women dying through backstreet abortions and unwanted kids being abused).

Furthermore, the 'how do you think people with Down's syndrome feel?' argument is simply emotional manipulation - including of people who may not have the mental capacity to understand the issues. 90% of KNOWN foetuses with Down's are aborted...ignoring those women who chose not to have the tests, yes, nice manipulation of the statistics there.

I am all for the rights of disabled people and yes, I agree that society should adapt to them; I am all for people with disabilities fulfilling their potential.

That is NOT incompatible with being pro-choice.

Again, I repeat: choice. No-one is asking women to have abortions when they don't want to, or even to have pre-natal tests if they don't want. Some women genuinely don't care if their child will be disabled: good for them, great. The option must be there, however.

What I object to is your proposal for modifying or removing (you don't specify) the disability grounds for abortion. There is a reason that there is no time limit for severe disability, and that is that tests for many disabilities can't be done before 20 weeks or more, so it is impossible to get the results and make a decision within the 24-week limit.

I cannot support forcing any woman to undergo a pregnancy and birth she does not want. I cannot support forcing any woman to bring up a child she does not want.

You blithely dismiss Marin's and others' decision to have terminations as being lazy and selfish, not caring how difficult that decision is. You pontificate on the word 'cope' - it is perfectly legitimate for a woman to decide she cannot cope with a disabled child, when she could with an able-bodied one

You dismiss women who choose not to carry on with pregnancies when the baby would be disabled as silly, ignorant, prejudiced; assume they either don't know enough about the disability in question to judge, or are simply selfish. You sound just like most anti-choicers, claiming that women just can't be trusted with decisions about their own bodies, with our fluffy lady brains; we'll only regret it later. Most decisions to have an abortion are well considered, difficult and not in fact regretted. The point is though that if we are rational adults, we must be entrusted to make decisions, no matter how difficult, even if they turn out to be wrong. Otherwise women are not treated as fully human.

Have you actually considered how grindingly difficult life can be with a severely disabled child? I mean severely disabled. If the law is being misused, and I don't agree with terminations for such minor and fixable problems as cleft palate, that is one issue. It doesn't mean the law sould be changed, just that it should be applied properly. I am talking about children who will never speak or respond in any way, never walk, never even sit up; who smear faeces around the walls, sleep for 2 hours max at a time, rampage around the house at 3am, attack family members. That's the reality.

And WOMEN bear the brunt of it, women are expected to be noble, selfless carers, sacrificing their lives to the child, changing the nappies of their offspring of 20, 25, 30, 40 years old...never having that offspring so much as look them in the eye.

I do know not all disabilities are like that, but you seem to object to 'labels' so I can only assume that you object to terminations for even the most profound disabilities. Even when the infant may only live days or weeks, and that short time will be full of pain and misery.

The thing is, yes, I know some people have been very dismissive of disabled people or not bothered to adapt to make their lives easier. I know the medical profession can be arrogant, priveleged, label and dismiss, treat people with disabilities as less than people.

None of this, I am afraid, means that disabilities are great, or do not exist. Disability by definition means impairment in day to day functioning. I mean, if I fall and break my leg going home tonight, I may as well not go to hospital and get it set, because who cares about the pain and lack of mobility...it's all social, isn't it? Damn doctors, labelling me!

How you can link to Cripchick's blog about not owning her own body...as I've acknowledged above, the result of mistreatment by the medical profession means many people with disabilities feel like that...many women without, in fact...yet aren't you in telling women not to have terminations, taking away their ownership of their bodies?

You sound like anti-choicers whining 'but Mozart/ Einstein/ whoever wouldn't exist if his mother had had an abortion!' Well, no, he wouldn't. Someone else would do the great things he did, make discoveries, write music; or close enough; or maybe not, but the world would go on turning. The thing is that ghosts do not make an argument. Hypothetical babies with disabilities who will not be born if women have terminations do not exist and do not have rights. If you think every potential baby should be born then you are reduced to the absurdity of the Monty Python 'no sperm should be wasted' sketch.

Being pro-choice is NOT saying disabled people are inferior, of less value and should not exist. Even if there was some conspiracy to make sure disabled people were wiped out, how could it possibly work? People born able-bodied become disabled through accident or illness; there are no prenatal tests for many disabilities, and some women don't want such tests. Of course, *once they exist* disabled people must be valued and helped to contribute to society. Isn't the 'disabled people add so much to the world!' just another form of the patronising 'brave heroes, saints, battling on' meme you describe in your article? As you seem to say, people with disabilities are no better or worse than people without, just people, doing the best they can...instead of infantilising them as angels, so people can feel good about themselves, why not treat people with disabilities as adults big enough to understand that actually, life for a person without disability is on average less difficult and painful than with one?

Like all anti-choicers, you seem to demand that these babies are born without calling for measures that will make life easier for their mothers. Carers, as I'm sure you know, get pathetically low benefits and little respite provided by the state; if more support was available, more women might feel able to bring up a severely disabled child.

You are not invisible; rather than making anti-choice pronouncements, why not get out there and educate the general public on your condition - then maybe expectant mothers won't be so scared when they learn their child will have it?

You simply haven't considered the women - the mothers of disabled babies - who you ask to take on so much. I find this odd coming from a self-described feminist.

From Mobot

This article unsettled me, and I'm glad it did - thanks. I'm the daughter of a disabled woman who chose to have me despite strong recommendations to terminate the pregnancy... I work with children and young people with disabilities, most of whom are *severely* or *seriously* disabled and whose company and opinions I value. I am also pretty fiercely pro-choice. I completely agree that the people who experience a situation first hand are the experts, and I am saddened at society's apparent dismissal of the views of people with disabilities. However, I'm inclined to believe that a wider sea-change is needed in terms of attitudes towards disability (education presumably being the most promising tool with which to bring this about), and not an attack on reproductive rights. In the same way that my mother's right as a disabled woman to choose to be a mother was fundamental to her, all women's right to choose what she does with her body is equally so. Surely we can't pick and choose when it's ok to allow women freedom of choice. I think the key is informed choice - if women were educated in a way that resulted in less panic about bringing up disabled children, wouldn't we be likely to see less selective abortions on the basis of fear of disability? Ultimately I can't say that I'm completely comfortable with these particular terminations per se, but I am equally if not more uncomfortable with the concept of placing any further restrictions on what women, disabled and otherwise, do with their bodies. I appreciate the fact that a negative view of disability feeds into many abortions on the basis of *severe abnormality*. But when we're talking about potential and not actual people (i.e. foetuses) it's the emotive language and moralising that upsets me most. Clearly, that's what it's designed to do but ultimately it's not the act of abortion that's the problem unless you believe foetuses to be *human* or *viable*. It's the patronising and often hypocritical messages society sends out about disability that's the issue as far as I can see. At the end of the day I do believe that phobic attitudes towards different groups are linked, so we need to find a way of reconciling conflicts of interest. Surely it's possible to be feminist/pro-choice and pro-disability (if that's the appropriate term) at the same time?

From Anonymous Harridan

I agree with Molly Lavender on most things in her article "Now, that's what I call misogyny!" but i think her reading Leona's "Bleeding love" song is too far reaching. I don't think it is about a woman being hurt physically or emotionally by a man. All this bleeding is an allegory to becoming vulnerable when you are in love, and, as classic fiction has us believe, it is not only down to women to be so - men are also made vulnerable by love, think "The end of the affair" by Greene or "Women in Love' by LAwrence.

So no need to rush with bandage to Leona or call domestic violence unit yet. But Molly is right that love is portrayed in mass culture as a fucking masochistic disaster, as if it is not true if it doesn't hurt. I hate this bullshit, and hate it passionately as only someone who is happy in love can, as it is a blasphemy against love. I, even being a very romantic person, always say that love in relationship is like a pair of shoes - if it hurts, then it is not right, ditch such relationship. Hurting is an indication that it is definitely not love.

as to not enough women playing rock - true, i hate it too and feel starved by it, and Pink, Courtney Love and GArbage (plus Le Tigre and occasionally The Slits) are my lean female-rock diet. Courtney Love once lamented "why not many women pick up guitars and start screaming" and it's so true as rock is music of anger and discontent and women have more to be angry about than men!

pop can be mild as baby soap in the question of misogyny in music, it is rock that is the most offender here. Most horrid example is Jimi Hendrix "Hey Joe" - despite its harrowing lyrics ("I ... shot my old lady ,You know, I've caught her messin' around with another man") it became a number one hit! And in the song there is sympathy towards this Joe and wish that he "runs away" and "be free".

I was sick when i finally got to read the words. It put me off Hendrix to soem extent. Now, imagine, some female singer happily belting away something about how liberating it might be for that woman from the news to chop off her cheating boyfriend's cock? To hear that would be fun.

so. rock music can be such shit that you start loving Kylie even more and in the new light.

From Molly O'Doherty

I enjoyed reading Molly Lavender's article entitled "Now that's what I call misogyny!". I thought it made some really good points. I can even see personal examples. Last week I watched my dad and stepmother receive christmas presents from my sister. My dad sneered at my stepmother's choice of the Abba: Gold album whilst he clutched his Joni Mitchell CD.

From Jay McCauley Bowstead

As a twenty six year old man with interests in fashion, design and other areas of popular culture not stereotypically considered masculine, it was easy for me to relate to Lavender's article 'Now That's What I call Misogyny'. Her analysis of the way in which magazines are subdivided in shops may indeed seem frivolous at first glance, but (as the author suggests) it is indicative of powerful gender normative forces in contemporary culture. In the same way that retrograde assumptions around "appropriate" interests and behaviours for women abound, boys and men are in some ways even more limited by assumptions around masculinity in popular culture. For example most parents would be much keener to send their daughters to karate than their sons to ballet class, indeed our culture increasingly seems to classify any interest in aesthetics as effeminate - just look at the drab, unhappy, depressing clothes that little boys are dressed in today, in contrast to the much brighter clothes that girls habitually wear. To reinforce Lavender's arguments, this subdivision of magazines, music and even fiction in to masculine and feminine interests exerts a pernicious effect across society on men and on women. While women are taught to be passive, decorative and to defer their needs, men are alienated from their emotions, have their interests narrowly prescribed and are discouraged from being involved parents or compassionate partners. It strikes me that not only is a renaissance of feminist thinking required in our popular culture, but also a more developed critique of how inauthentic models of masculinity are reproduced (and how they can be countered).

From Megan

I agree with your article apart from two points:

1. Whilst not musically connected my boyfriends (and boyfriends of my friends) have had to stand and wait whilst we ride our horses and this has not detracted anything from our competitive spitits

2. also i thought i ought to mention that "bleeding love" was written and performed by jesse mccartney before leona lewis - he is a young male and did not intend this song to go to another artist (female or not) when he wrote it. However i do agree that the music industry is sexist in both its lyrics and its videos.

From Molly O'Doherty

I experienced a similar problem a few years ago when I went to get emergency contraception at a surgery. I wasn't able to phone to make an appointment so due to the layout of the surgery I had to explain my situation to the receptionist with the whole waiting area in full earshot. If I hadn't been with a friend and less confident I would easily have been too embarrassed and would have left without even trying to get emergency contraception.

From Irina

Although the usual logic behind validity of complaints is that if at least one person doesn't like something/feel intimidated/unwelcome etc - and it is enough reason to change behaviour/practice, here i really was thinking: author should not feel so ashamed/humiliated about the incident.

I could see it from the nurse's point of view - she is a practical grown-up woman trying to help who thinks that it is normal to come for a morning-after pill and there is no shame in it, someone with healthy matter-of-factly attitude about it. Someone who doesn't think that soem odd old-fashioned sensitivities must not stand in the way of birth-control. Why the hell did Rachael feel so embarassed? So what if others understood she is here for a pill?! That's not their business. If it was a centre for emergency contraception/family planning clinic, then everybody in that room was there for more or less similar reason as her in the first place, and therefore are not to be embarassed by. If it was an ordinary surgery, how on earth will those patients know she came for a pill?

Honestly, author displays too much of very silly shame for no reason. This situation is, if anyhting, an occasion to tell anybody who mutters "oh, she came for a mornign-after pill" - "So what? any problem with that?" in a nonchalant or defiant way.

see it this way: if you are not embarassed to have sex, you shouldn't be embarassed to deal with occasional side-effect of it. The only people who should be embarassed here are those who want to heap shame on you.

From Jose Sentmanat

This is an excellent review of an excellent book, one that fundamentally changed my life when I first read it some years ago. For what it's worth, I am a man, and I have been referring to myself as a feminist for years--it raises eyebrJust wanted to say thanks for such a great article, and I agree with your analysis of BDSM protocol where consent and negotiation is concerned.ows now and again, but if challenged, I simply reply that anyone who believes in gender equity and treating women as human beings, and rejects differences based on sexual identity, is a feminist.

In any case, thanks to Ms. Redfern for an excellent, thought-provoking review.

From Clair Lewis

Just wanted to say thanks for such a great article, and I agree with your analysis of BDSM protocol where consent and negotiation is concerned.

From Ana

Dear feminists,

I'm sorry to waste your time with this useless e-mail, its purpose is only one: I want to thank you all for putting such a brilliant site online. My name is Ana, I am 18 years old and I'm a fan of yours from Portugal (so excuse me if my English is not perfect...). I was raised to believe that feminist were nothing more than a bunch of grumpy women who hated men, and worst of all, hated being women, so they fighted to be men. Thanks to you (and other websites like this) I realized that actually feminist are women who love themselves so much they aren't letting men take advantage of them, and what's more, most of them are married/dating men. I came across your website on a day I was particularly furious at this guy I know, who is the embodiment of woman-hate, despite being married (to a woman of course). I was very pleased to see that this website isn't men-hating at all! Since I have a boyfriend that respects me and that I love, and lots of male friends that treat me decently, I sincerely dislike those websites. Please keep up the good work, I'll do my part and try to spread your men-friendly, women-loving message!

Your avid-article-reader,

Ana

From Cathy Cox

I'd like to get in touch with 16-year-old Virginie in Costa Rica, and tell her that neither Britain nor the U.S. have reached "enlightenment," though it may appear that way compared to Latin America. She needs to know that SHE is a builder of the future, and the best advice I can give her is to get the very best education she can, and try to help other girls in her country do the same - find your talent and work at it. She should avoid marriage and pregnancy at all costs, and not let it bother her when they call her a lesbian. (Maybe she could respond that she has high standards, which none of the boys she knows is able to meet.) You GO, Virginie! Best of Luck!