Bitchy Jones is onto something …

// 17 May 2009

Bitchy Jones on why straight women talking about their ‘girl crushes’ or women they’d totally ‘go gay for’ sticks in her craw:

It is because the highest compliment you can pay a woman is to proclaim that you find her fuckable.

Always and forever and as simple as that.

If you admire a woman and like her, if you find her witty and attractive, if you like the way she thinks, well obviously, you want to fuck her. Because if you were a straight man, that’s where that would lead. But if you’re someone who isn’t sexually attracted to women, you might think you are feeling that too, you might even feel that you are insulting that woman if you don’t want to sleep with her (dishing out the ultimate insult by calling her unfuckable).

[…]

this I’d-so-sleep-with-her phenomenon is pretty much just a side shoot from the whole damn dirty deal where women are mainly for fucking and generally supplying sex and men are the choosers and enjoyers of that sex.

The rest of the post, which is well worth reading in its entirety, is over here (this post fairly safe for work, but the rest of the site, including the banner heading, perhaps not so much).

Comments From You

Lily // Posted 17 May 2009 at 8:28 am

Hmm. It’s funny, though – I know the I’d-so-sleep-with-her phenomenon exists and is widespread too, but personally, when I talk about ‘girl crushes’ it has nothing to do with finding someone ‘fuckable’.

It’s a bit hard to explain, but as a heterosexual woman I do have ‘crushes’ on other women, without there being any sexual dimension about it (that I can think of, anyway). In other words, I admire these women rather than being attracted to them, but in a very personal way – I don’t just clinically admire their achievements, I’m smitten with their personalities – sometimes their personalities AND their physical beauty – and fond of their personal quirks as well. Sometimes it’s a bit irrational, just like love: there are some actresses I’m charmed with without knowing exactly why, or without even particularly admiring their work. I buy magazines just because they’re interviewed in them, and look up the latest pictures of them online, just like I’d do with pictures of Daniel Craig. I don’t want to sleep with these women, but knowing that they exist in this world makes me smile. Surely I’m not the only one?

So perhaps it’s closer to one-sided romantic friendship than sexual attraction? Or some kind of psychic female solidarity? ‘Girl crush’ just seems the most fitting epithet. I do have similar non-sexual crushes on some men as well, but those are rare. Could it be that a lot of women who say ‘I’d totally turn gay for her’ simply can’t envision romantic friendship or can’t interpret feelings of this kind in any other way than the sexual?

Sal // Posted 17 May 2009 at 1:20 pm

I agree maybe that to say you’d ‘go gay’ for someone is problematic for the reasons above. But to me the term ‘girl crush’ means something quite different. I associate it more with the adolescent experience of trying to find your identity and in doing so looking for female role models, and then finding a woman who you admire and aspire to, and sometimes feeling confused by the romantic feelings that can come into that. To me, ‘girl crush’ is more to do with admiration and a perhaps immature desire to be like someone than sexual feelings per se.

Jen // Posted 17 May 2009 at 5:00 pm

Lily, you’re not the only one. I use the term ‘girl crush’ for women I feel drawn to, for one reason or another (I don’t even know why a lot of the time) – it’s not a sexual thing, but it is an intimate thing, sort of.

Lindsey // Posted 18 May 2009 at 10:11 am

Personally I find “girl-crushes” a way in which women can allow themselves to be in denial about the possibility of being bisexual. I claimed girl-crushes or whatever they were called at the time for years before even considering the possibility that I might be bi. Then when a queer friend talked to me about it it all seemed so obvious.

I’m not saying this is the case for every woman with a girl-crush, but it does create a “safe” way to talk about bisexual feelings without having to have awkward thoughts or conversations about alternative sexuality. It also allows you, as Lily said, permission to idolise a non-male – something that shouldn’t be underestimated.

Rachael // Posted 18 May 2009 at 10:36 am

I wholeheartedly agree with this post…because it is an absolute OBSESSION at the moment to render every woman either “fuckable” or “unfuckable”…and it’s insulting!!

Yes – as the above to commenters point out – there are indeed ‘girl crushes’. I have had them.

But I think that what Lynne Miles is speaking of – is much more recent and ties in with rape and porn culture.

As women – we are nothing if we are not fuckable. I have seen women get really upset if they are judged “unfuckable” by some ridiculous misogynist.

Me…if I get told that then I will retort. “Well thats great – because it means I won’t have to dirty myself f*****g you”!!

It’s quite horrendous how every other aspect of a woman is ignored by society at the moment.

Almost like “Well, if I can’t f**k you…what is the point????!!!”

And THAT of course – is the point. it renders her worthless.

Jen // Posted 18 May 2009 at 10:55 am

Personally, I have more of a problem with being so critical of the way women express their sexuality, and specifically for the requirement for them to be 100% authentic about it at all times. There could be any number of reasons for someone to express herself that way. I know back when I was more closeted than now, I might well have said stuff like that to try and laugh off the possibility of even being remotely queer, precisely a kind of “who’s the straightest” pissing contest, if it takes a beauty icon of some kind fo make you “go gay”, you know. Also, with actresses and so on, Angelina Jolie, whatever – they’re kind of insulated in a way, so that they symbolize female beauty, but it’s almost impossible to really find them attractive because of that distance. I’ve been in situations of professing to find actors and actresses alike attractive because everyone does, and the same day maybe throwing a book to the other end of the room because I was horrified at how attractive I found a picture of a woman in that. That’s the story of my teenage years in fact, more or less.

In general, I find it pretty annoying when women who aren’t intent on defining themselves one way or the other, or who position themselves as ambiguous, i.e. not gay or not straight and not even particularly bisexual, get policed by other women for being inauthentic. I’ve been in so many conversations about certain women and “oh she’s just pretending to be bi to get attention”, speculations about who is “really” one way or the other, despite what she says… it’s honestly made me wish I’d stayed in the damn closet quite a few times.

I think we need to get away from being irritated or critical of the way women talk about their sexuality. I mean, personally I feel that what I do in private is probably no one’s business, and so I don’t feel a huge sense of wanting my sexuality to be an identity, but all the same, it would be good to be able to mention it, as in not feeling the need to hide it, without it being a reflection on your character or how “real” you are. I don’t think women need that added pressure, as well as all the other bullshit around women’s sexualities.

RadFemHedonist // Posted 28 May 2009 at 7:38 pm

I agree that “go gay” is not really an OK term to use, though I can see how it can allow some admittance of homo/bisexuality into a group of very het-performing friends, but I don’t think that girl crush is a bad term to use, I’m bisexual but have been known to use it in relation to older women who I utterly adore being around emotionally but would feel uncomfortable being in a relationship/doing sexual things with due to the age-power differential. I think that crushes can be non-sexual sometimes, though I wouldn’t think it appropriate for a 20 year old to speak of having a crush on a 5 year old. I probably would be more likely to say just crush than girl crush.

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